Creating the Muslim Promise Keepers

by Fazeel Aziz Chauhan

(Published in Pakistan Link  ~  11-26-96)

For three and a half years, I was a member and leader of a team of American men. One major goal was to help each other be the men we always wanted to be and to live honorably. As with any such boy scouts club or mens' support group, a set of rules was used, called the Code of Honor. Coming from a place of deep caring for each other, the men were truthful, intimately honest and held each other accountable to the basic principles of the Code of Honor. The code was a simple yet powerful tool that helped us become successful in all areas of our lives. Most importantly, the teachings helped us create mutually fulfilling relationships. These relationships gave us the great gifts of community and belongingness.
The teachings about forming strong communities and relationships were very valuable and I wished that our people would learn these tools too. I had trouble bringing Pakistani men to this knowledge. The two greatest prerequisites of becoming a part of a men's group are trust and commitment. Many Pakistani people around me, don't deeply trust each other and the commitment to each other is not very strong either. There is a lot of loyalty in the friendships but that alone is not enough for a strong relationship. I also had trouble bringing the knowledge to two major mosques of Los Angeles. Sadly, the Muslim leaders I talked to were not interested in forming any support groups. I gave the example of a highly successful Christian support group for men which is called "The Promise Keepers." Last year, at their annual gathering at the L.A. Coliseum, these men were 65,000 strong. Obviously, these men are benefitting greatly from being part of a team of men. A "team" of men is different from a support group because in a team, the men synergize together and strive for excellence. Whereas, a support group, often contains a large percentage of people who only want to talk and not take action.
Here's how to form a team of men: Two experienced men are needed as leaders, who will train the men's team for two months. They start with a camping trip together, get to know each other and develop a deep trust and bond with each other. The team leaders teach the men why it is important for them to be open, honest and truthful with each other. The team is "a safe place" where a man can talk about his deep feeling and not feel judged, or rejected by the other men. When the men trust each other enough to reveal their deep dark secrets to each other, then they bond together as blood brothers.
A team of ten men meets once a week for three hours. The men share honestly about what's going on in their lives. The collective wisdom of the team asks questions and helps a man get to the truth, and to the solutions. The purpose of the team is to help the other men become the men they've always wanted to be. So each man has to do some soul searching and write down briefly, what kind of man he wants to be. For example, a man may want to be able to show his wife and children that he loves them, he may want to overcome the problems in his relationship with his father, he may want to complete a college degree, he may want to overcome a bad habit, etc. The men's team asks each man to make commitments, or PROMISES. These are small steps toward reaching the bigger goals. For example, the man who wants to complete a college degree is asked, what steps he needs to take to reach that goal. One step may be to enroll in a college, so he makes a promise that by next week's meeting, he will have enrolled at L.A. City College. If at the next meeting, he has not kept his promise, then his team asks him a series of questions, to find out why he did not fulfill his commitment. Together they discover the man's barriers and help him dissolve them. The other men, who are helping a man, get a lot of benefit as well. They also learn that they are similar in many ways, with the "other man." This brings them closer together and makes the team stronger. And together, they make progress every week toward their goals. About five teams meet together once a month and share the collective wisdom with each other. The men hold each other accountable and help each other lead honorable lives.
The code of honor I learned did not pertain to a specific religion because it consists of universal principles. I urge Muslims to form "The Muslim Promise Keepers" and create a brief code of honor with which they feel comfortable. Using this Muslim men's movement, Muslims can get to a place where they trust each other, are united and will give their lives for each other. Through the process, we will realize that we are all the same, and we share the same major obstacles as human beings. Then we learn to care about Muslims, non-Muslims, Punjabi, Sindhi, Indian, Pakistani, Caucasian Americans, Blacks, men and women.
By the way, the women's groups are called "The Family of Women." A book highly recommended, but for women only is "What Really Works With Men" by A. Justin Sterling. An excellent book for men is "Iron John" by Robert Bly. It is a comprehensive collection of information regarding men from historical, cultural and academic perspectives.
A men's team does not "bash" women and instead strives to better the relationships with them. If you have any questions, study the Code of Honor below and it will likely give you the answer. So are you going to start such a program through your mosque or even independently? Or are you happy with the status quo and don't want to make a difference in your community?
(1) Commitment Before Ego
(2) Honor the Truth
(3) Respect Confidentiality
(4) Keep Your Word
(5) Be a 3-dimensional Man {Caring, Fun and Courageous}
(6) Be Prepared
(7) Defend Humanity
(8) Be Faithful
(9) Defend the Code of Honor
(10) Never Engage in Battles with Weaker Opponents
(11) Fight Only Honorable Battles
(12) Earn and Honor Rank
(13) Be Humble
(14) Embrace All Men
(15) Be an Example to Children