Child Abuse

by Fazeel Chauhan

(Published in Pakistan Link  ~  10-10-95)

 It has been said "If you must beat a child, use a thread". In America, even though it is illegal, each year around one million children suffer from child abuse. Sadly, in Pakistan, child abuse is not viewed in general as wrong or destructive to children. Therefore, the vast majority of children end up being abused. Growing up and as adults, millions of these children suffer from mental, social and behavioral problems. Parents and adults need to be aware of the tremendous damage abuse can do to a child's life.
Growing up, my friends and I were frequently abused by people in our families and by our teachers. "Abuse" is usually defined as non-accidental physical attack on (or injury to) children, by individuals caring for them. But abuse can also be verbal, sexual and emotional. It is very painful to see how the lives of some of my friends were destroyed by their parents or "loved ones". My friend Nadeem's parents were working in Dubai and had left him with his aunt in Pakistan. She often used her shoes to beat Nadeem senselessly, on his face and head, in front of the whole neighborhood. This made him feel worthless and humiliated. He's turned into a hermit who finds it very difficult to express his feelings positively and keeps failing in his business ventures. He neglects and abuses his own children, following in his parents' footsteps. Ahmed's father, a military man, was sure that physical punishment and fear tactics were the best means of disciplining his family. He tried to gain their "respect" by scaring them to death. He would line up the whole family in a row and then beat them up one by one, with a broom or hockey stick. Ahmed was so terrorized by his father that he would urinate in his pants. He has developed into a very depressed and scared adult. He is a rebel and hates any kind of authority. He cannot forgive his dead father nor forget his crimes.
These abused children were not mischievous or trouble makers by nature. It was usually the abusers who demanded far more than what the children were capable of providing. Azam's father hit him in the head with an iron rod. He is convinced that this caused brain damage, making him epileptic. He has developed into a very violent person now. Tranquilizers can't calm him down and he frequently beats up various members of his family, including his old father. Indeed, children are not born violent. They learn it from their parents.
Some children experience emotional rather than physical abuse. They may be neglected and ignored by the parents. Waseem was such a case. He had a very sensitive personality. His parents were emotionally unavailable and inattentive, which made him feel rejected and worthless. Thinking no one loved him or cared about him, he started abusing himself with drugs. Now he's a heroin junkie, who has no "self" left. Some adolescents feel very pressured by the family to excel in school. There are cases where kids commit suicide upon failing their exams. Sexual abuse is far more common than we think. Its existence is minimized and denied. My friend Farooq was sexually abused by his uncle. He's an emotionally disturbed adult now, who goes to therapy to heal the pain. He's unsure about his life, particularly about his sexuality. These were some of the cases of young boys whom I personally knew. For little girls I fear that the predicament is much worse.
Child abuse and domestic violence is found in all segments of society. Abused children are not happy, don't feel good about themselves and tend to not enjoy life. They have low self-esteem, poor self-control and negative feelings about the world. Some show high levels of rage, frustration and aggression. Emotionally neglected children who experience lack of love and care, tend to be withdrawn and depressed. They exhibit mental and behavioral problems as they become older. Children learn what they are taught, especially from their parents. Abusive parents teach their children to do the same and the vicious cycle continues from generation to generation.
On the other hand, children who are given love and attention, come to believe that they are loved and look at the world in a positive manner. They have high self-worth and a successful lifestyle. In the book "The Road Less Travelled", Dr. Scott Peck states the following: "If a parent can give a child the feeling that s/he is loved, the child develops high self esteem and self-worth. It is a feeling that no gold in the world can replace. The child grows up having this feeling deep within him/her, that cannot be taken away. Even if s/he's faced with a major crisis, s/he's able to overcome it, believing that s/he has the ability to do so. S/he feels very confident and knows that s/he deserves the best in life, including happiness, love and prosperity. Therefore, s/he does not hesitate to achieve high goals and success.
Most parents want to be good parents. Classes that teach parenting skills often help prevent parents who have abused their children from doing so again. The psychology section of the local bookstore or library is full of books that can help you become a better person and parent. An excellent book by Tara Singh is "How To Raise A Child Of God". Another highly recommended book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. If you have been a victim of abuse, it is very sad and I empathize with you. But there is lots of hope. You can turn your life around and stop the never-ending poisonous pedagogy that has been going on from generation to generation