Buy Buy versus Bye Bye

 Doing Your Part in Lowering the Risk?

(The originial author is unknown. I was inspired by their creative use of the 0%, and added the bottom part to the graphic to expand the idea of Zero percent)

Creating the Muslim Promise Keepers

by Fazeel Aziz Chauhan

(Published in Pakistan Link  ~  11-26-96)

For three and a half years, I was a member and leader of a team of American men. One major goal was to help each other be the men we always wanted to be and to live honorably. As with any such boy scouts club or mens' support group, a set of rules was used, called the Code of Honor. Coming from a place of deep caring for each other, the men were truthful, intimately honest and held each other accountable to the basic principles of the Code of Honor. The code was a simple yet powerful tool that helped us become successful in all areas of our lives. Most importantly, the teachings helped us create mutually fulfilling relationships. These relationships gave us the great gifts of community and belongingness.
The teachings about forming strong communities and relationships were very valuable and I wished that our people would learn these tools too. I had trouble bringing Pakistani men to this knowledge. The two greatest prerequisites of becoming a part of a men's group are trust and commitment. Many Pakistani people around me, don't deeply trust each other and the commitment to each other is not very strong either. There is a lot of loyalty in the friendships but that alone is not enough for a strong relationship. I also had trouble bringing the knowledge to two major mosques of Los Angeles. Sadly, the Muslim leaders I talked to were not interested in forming any support groups. I gave the example of a highly successful Christian support group for men which is called "The Promise Keepers." Last year, at their annual gathering at the L.A. Coliseum, these men were 65,000 strong. Obviously, these men are benefitting greatly from being part of a team of men. A "team" of men is different from a support group because in a team, the men synergize together and strive for excellence. Whereas, a support group, often contains a large percentage of people who only want to talk and not take action.
Here's how to form a team of men: Two experienced men are needed as leaders, who will train the men's team for two months. They start with a camping trip together, get to know each other and develop a deep trust and bond with each other. The team leaders teach the men why it is important for them to be open, honest and truthful with each other. The team is "a safe place" where a man can talk about his deep feeling and not feel judged, or rejected by the other men. When the men trust each other enough to reveal their deep dark secrets to each other, then they bond together as blood brothers.
A team of ten men meets once a week for three hours. The men share honestly about what's going on in their lives. The collective wisdom of the team asks questions and helps a man get to the truth, and to the solutions. The purpose of the team is to help the other men become the men they've always wanted to be. So each man has to do some soul searching and write down briefly, what kind of man he wants to be. For example, a man may want to be able to show his wife and children that he loves them, he may want to overcome the problems in his relationship with his father, he may want to complete a college degree, he may want to overcome a bad habit, etc. The men's team asks each man to make commitments, or PROMISES. These are small steps toward reaching the bigger goals. For example, the man who wants to complete a college degree is asked, what steps he needs to take to reach that goal. One step may be to enroll in a college, so he makes a promise that by next week's meeting, he will have enrolled at L.A. City College. If at the next meeting, he has not kept his promise, then his team asks him a series of questions, to find out why he did not fulfill his commitment. Together they discover the man's barriers and help him dissolve them. The other men, who are helping a man, get a lot of benefit as well. They also learn that they are similar in many ways, with the "other man." This brings them closer together and makes the team stronger. And together, they make progress every week toward their goals. About five teams meet together once a month and share the collective wisdom with each other. The men hold each other accountable and help each other lead honorable lives.
The code of honor I learned did not pertain to a specific religion because it consists of universal principles. I urge Muslims to form "The Muslim Promise Keepers" and create a brief code of honor with which they feel comfortable. Using this Muslim men's movement, Muslims can get to a place where they trust each other, are united and will give their lives for each other. Through the process, we will realize that we are all the same, and we share the same major obstacles as human beings. Then we learn to care about Muslims, non-Muslims, Punjabi, Sindhi, Indian, Pakistani, Caucasian Americans, Blacks, men and women.
By the way, the women's groups are called "The Family of Women." A book highly recommended, but for women only is "What Really Works With Men" by A. Justin Sterling. An excellent book for men is "Iron John" by Robert Bly. It is a comprehensive collection of information regarding men from historical, cultural and academic perspectives.
A men's team does not "bash" women and instead strives to better the relationships with them. If you have any questions, study the Code of Honor below and it will likely give you the answer. So are you going to start such a program through your mosque or even independently? Or are you happy with the status quo and don't want to make a difference in your community?
(1) Commitment Before Ego
(2) Honor the Truth
(3) Respect Confidentiality
(4) Keep Your Word
(5) Be a 3-dimensional Man {Caring, Fun and Courageous}
(6) Be Prepared
(7) Defend Humanity
(8) Be Faithful
(9) Defend the Code of Honor
(10) Never Engage in Battles with Weaker Opponents
(11) Fight Only Honorable Battles
(12) Earn and Honor Rank
(13) Be Humble
(14) Embrace All Men
(15) Be an Example to Children

Violence vs. A Healthy Conscience

Violence vs. A Healthy Conscience

            In the wake of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school, one wonders; how does a person know the difference between right and wrong? We are born with certain traits and tendencies and also parts of our personalities are developed through learning. Some say it is a person’s conscience which reminds them to do the right thing and stops them from doing the wrong thing. We teach our babies to protect themselves, “don’t put your hand in the fire, don’t go out in the cold without a jacket, don’t stick your finger in the power outlet, don’t talk to strangers, stand up for yourself against bullies”. Many beliefs and ideas become cemented in our minds through childhood indoctrination. If those imprints come from a dysfunctional family, it can take decades to undo that early programming. Thus the role of parents to nurture and shape  a child’s behavior and belief system is very important.

            In our lives, what we don’t know gets us in trouble, and more suffering is caused also because we have forgotten valuable lessons we had already learned. So it is important to keep that knowledge alive through reminders including re-enforcement of ethical ideas. The true character of a person is how he behaves when no one else is watching. Perhaps at that moment he is cognizant or not, that God is still a witness? We are faced with moral dilemmas every day, should I pickup this wallet someone dropped, and keep the cash, no one will ever know. Perhaps the moral compass is located in the conscience, and it has to be kept lubed and tuned up through repetition of learning. Otherwise, like the heart, the moral compass can become jammed and the conscience could deaden.

            Fresh air is important for the mind, otherwise the ideas in there can become stale, which could have toxic effects on the conscience. In war, how can a person in power convince the army soldier to leave the comfort of his home, tear himself away from his loving wife and children, put his own life at risk and then go thousands of miles away to kill other human beings? Usually it requires dehumanization of the “enemy”, that they are not human beings. Also depersonalization of the “other”, that they are very different or crazy, to keep them distant, so that you don’t empathize with them. If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, then usually you don’t want to harm them. So the military man has to be convinced by his superiors that what he is doing is morally right. He believes he’s a hero when shooting other people in a war. For some religious people, the conscience is a place where God lives, or a source which reminds the person to have fear of God. Maybe the conscience is inhabited by both angels and demons. A politician can then exploit the angels so they succumb to despair, and then he can compel the demons to take over and control the behavior of the soldier. Legal and illegal drugs are often used to deaden the angels. If the angels fall asleep, the person forgets he will be held accountable for his actions.

            Religious people say they are right and claim they protect human rights and injustices. Atheists or non-religious people say that millions of people have been killed in wars in the name of religion. Religious people believe they have a strong moral compass. They go to church, temple, mosque, etc., where ethical behavior is re-enforced in their minds. But non-religious people, specially in America and Europe can also exhibit very ethical behavior and they don’t seem to have more criminal tendencies than religious people. In the West, more people are educated, compared to poor nations, for example in Africa. If it’s not fear of God, then what is it that prompts secular people to do the right thing and stops them from doing the wrong thing?

            In our daily lives, mentally healthy people can get stuck in bad habits or get lost in thoughts. Their buttons get pushed un-expectedly (or expectedly), which triggers strong emotional reactions within them. Some of these emotions can be; feeling hurt, feeling angry, feeling injured. When a person gets emotionally wounded, these feelings could overpower the moral compass in their conscience. Ethical behavior then is put on hold and fear of God becomes absent, even notions of self-defense can become suspended. At that moment, the person can burst into rage and do things they normally wouldn’t do and thus will regret later. This madness can drive them to commit heinous criminal acts. In the past some criminals would plead “temporary insanity” in court to justify their violent behavior. A stressful situation can push a mentally healthy person over the edge and turn them into a criminal. Possibly, a mentally unhealthy person might be even more fragile and have less self-control. Their fears can be un-realistic, for example feeling paranoid that someone will hurt them. So that person might be over-protective of himself or be overly aggressively towards others, because the threats are exaggerated in their own minds.

            Mental illness, like physical illness can strike anyone at any time. Clearly, in our country we don’t do much to address mental illness. Mostly people are sedated with legal medications, alcohol and illegal drugs. If we call ourselves mentally healthy, we still have normal events happen which cause our minds to play tricks on us. What excuses, lies and justifications do we use on a daily basis to convince ourselves that our un-ethical behavior was okay to do?

            Too many tragedies have happened in America as a result of gun violence. About 87 Americans are killed every day as a function of gun violence, according to the University of Chicago Crime Lab and the Centers for Disease Control. In our nation’s history we have the gunslingers of the wild-west shooting each other mercilessly. As Michael Moore points out in his Academy Award winning documentary, “Bowling for Columbine”, we have a culture of violence and wars. Domestically, the war against the Native Americans, the violence against African Americans during slavery, the wars to take over California, Texas and Hawaii. On foreign lands, there have been 187 U.S. military interventions in the last two hundred years in mostly poor countries of the world (http://www.globalpolicy.org/component/content/article/155/26024.html), which indicates a high tendency towards weapons use. Sadly, the powerful lobby of the National Rifle Association does not allow the government to ban automatic weapons like the military style machine guns. We as a nation somehow feel threatened and paranoid that there are enemies out there. The imaginary boogeyman is just around the corner every day instead of Santa Claus. Yes there are monsters and criminals out there whom we need to stop and protect ourselves against. But how many machine guns is enough in the home? And how many military bases are enough around the world? And how many nuclear bombs do we need to feel safe? If a Martian lands here, he’ll say this culture of weapons, domestic violence and foreign wars, is very irresponsible, immature and dangerous behavior. Hopefully the Congress will soon pass a law to prohibit all automatic weapons in our country, and some day ban all weapons at home and wars abroad.

            In last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook another cause is mental illness. There is another factor which brings up the old question: What is the most common and most acceptable form of child abuse in America? The answer is divorce. Children blame themselves for the divorce of their parents. These wounds may never heal and those kids grow up and become divorced parents themselves. Thus the poisonous pedagogy continues. A child would rather deal with the tragedy of both parents dying rather than dealing with the divorce of the parents. But in our society today, we are taught that divorce is normal and not harmful. We are encouraged toward instant self-gratification. “What’s right is what makes you happy”, is a common belief in our culture, which can make the standards of moral behavior very subjective. We can become very narcissistic and ruthless towards others, instead of using objective principles to guide our lives.

            The mother nurtures and spends much more time with the child and teaches a tremendous amount. But it is difficult for her to raise boys, without the help of their father. A boy learns from his father how to be a man. At times, the father has to be stern and tough to discipline the boy, specially to teach him that he should not be a menace to society. Mothers can find it difficult to provide such training consistently because their natural tendency is to be nurturing and forgiving. Women are relationship oriented and men are individual oriented and rule oriented. One reason men like sports is it reminds them of rules and principles in life. Without accountability to rules, men become ruthless savages. A father can teach his son to keep an open mind so that positive messages and non-violent solutions can find a way to his conscience.

            The father’s voice often echoes in the chambers of a child’s mind to do the right thing. Divorce is like throwing your child under a truck. Boys who join gangs or become hoodlums often have fathers missing in their lives. One of the responsibilities of the father is to provide protection and security. So when his son does something dangerous to himself or others, the father should be there to stop it, prevent it and resolve it so that the home and the world is a safe space. As family members and as fellow citizens, we need to take ownership when things fail, and ask ourselves: What was my role in allowing this to happen? For example, a parent should realize that they should not get divorced. A citizen should commit to civic engagement and ensure that gun violence in our country and wars abroad come to a stop.

An important question to ask ourselves is: What is my responsibility in making the world a better and safer place?  The students at Penn State University serve as a good example. They came up with 40 acts of kindness and civic engagement:  http://www.personal.psu.edu/uxg3/blogs/40ActsKindness/ongoing-acts-0105/

Great Signs in Restaurants / Bar Rooms

Great Restaurant / Bar Room Signs

• Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham, NC.
  
  
• If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC.
  
  
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
  
  
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.
  
  
• At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ.
  
  
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ.
  
  
• Make love, not war. Hell, do both. GET MARRIED! Women's restroom, the Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.
  
  
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books, New York, NY.
  
  
• If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC.
  
  
• Express Lane: Five beers or less. Sign over one of the urinals. Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ.
  
  
• You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in women's restroom. Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
  
  
• No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
  
  
• Pease don’t eat the pink mints. Sign overlooking the deodorant tabs in the men’s urinal. Possum Creek Inn, Theon, TX.
  
  
• ~~~ and a rule ~~~ A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS:

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH:

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to a man at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, telling him, "You're next."

The old aunts stopped after the man started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LONGEVITY:

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change ... but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change ... and she does.

HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.